On Being Back...

How does it feel to be back?

I can’t even count the number of times we have been asked this question. How does it feel to be back?

And I can’t even count the number of times that I have not known how to answer.

I don’t know.

It is a very confusing topic to us right now. Our hearts are heavy and filled with so many contradictions. We don’t even know how we feel about anything.

But, let me backtrack a little and fill you in on the last few days or so before we left Kenya:

When I think about leaving, all that fills my head is suitcases, packing, and a very messy house. Overwhelming doesn’t even begin to describe it. Organization is not my strongpoint (well, let’s be honest, it’s not even a point at all in my life!!) and so I didn’t even know where to begin when it came to packing up our last year’s belongings. I am so thankful for Trevor, who basically saved the day. No exaggeration. I had to just leave the house a few times as my wandering from room to room forgetting what I was doing the second before wasn’t helping, and I would come home to him having done so much work and organized everything. He really did most of the work when it came to packing up our stuff, while my head and heart and emotions were a mess. He’s the best!!

Our cell group and friends had a goodbye bash for us the night before we left. It was so great!! We played games…spoons, dutch blitz, charades to name a few!!…ate so much pizza and nyama choma (bbq-d meat), prayed together, had a time of sharing, and laughed endlessly at the words they wrote on our shirts to remember them. It was also the night we got officially named! Yes, that’s right, we now have Kenyan names!! Trevor is Mutuku. It is a Kamba name, meaning “born at night”…which he wasn’t, but the name was thought of at night.. =) My name is Kerubo. It is a Kisii name, meaning “talkative, noisy”…appropriate??! =)
We already miss all these friends so dearly and think about constantly. We love them so much.



Add many last minute shopping trips, meetings and goodbyes with friends, more packing, errands, more market trips, more goodbyes, tears and more tears, and you have a bit of a picture of our last week in Kenya. Ugh.
Many of our friends took us to the airport on Wednesday night. Have I mentioned how great our friends are??!! For real. They helped us with all our things and we said goodbye to them as we waited in line at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. Saks, Dann, Benjy, Gerald, Mwendwa (Franklin!), Stella, Mimie, and James…thank you SO MUCH. You blessed us more than I can say.

Now we know that when the airport’s runway lights aren’t working, that means that there will be definite delays! Haha. We waited at JKIA for about six hours until they had that fixed, so instead of the plane leaving at 11:30 pm, it left at about 4:30 am. We also know that cold hard airport floors shouldn’t be conducive to sleeping, but when you are emotionally exhausted and have not slept for the past few weeks, the cold, hard airport floor can feel like a nice comfy bed and you may have to be poked and pinched to be woken up when the wait is over!! =)
We slept so much of the way home…if felt like any time we sat for any length of time, both of us would instantly fall asleep. Our travels home felt so short, which was a blessing.

Trevor’s parents, and his brother Ryan were at the airport in Edmonton, waiting eagerly for us to arrive. They came equipped with our winter coats for the cold weather! It was really nice to see them, although the weather felt rather shocking. Temperatures of -40 Celsius, when having just come from +30 Celsius, is not very comfortable!!! But we are surviving…

And now. We left Kenya twelve days ago. And it feels like twelve weeks. Maybe even twelve months. Our hearts are longing for Kenya. Aching. Yesterday I said to Trevor, “Today I can’t think about Kenya. Not at all. It just hurts too much.” Physically hurts. There is no doubt that we left our hearts in Kenya. And that it feels so confusing to be here, in Canada.

So how does it feel?

How does it feel to be back?

It’s hard right now. While we have loved reuniting with our loved ones, visiting, spending time together, it has been bittersweet. I have been told that this is normal to feel this way, and I find some comfort in that. To know that these feelings are normal, and even expected. To know that when we can’t even describe how we are feeling and what our hearts are going through, that that is ok. To have that permission to feel a little confused as we find our way into our new normal. That it is normal to bump into a few walls, fall down a few times (or many times), hit a few obstacles as we find our footing.

There is a definite positive side to being in Canada right now though. It’s the fact that we are home with our families for Christmas, which is such a blessing! It has helped with the transition back into this way of life, and we are thankful that we get to be here during this season.

So. That is how we feel. That is where our hearts are at. We know that God has much to teach us as we go through this time, through this season, through these struggles. He is in control. {and we are thankful that He is!!}

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

{Ecclesiastes 3:1-8}