Searching for His Goodness

“I think she killed my mother,” she said to me.

Although the conversation didn't start there..

We were hanging out one afternoon in the clinic in the slum. She was troubled. I knew just by looking at her. I asked her how she was, and she answered, “Fine.” I knew she wasn’t fine, so I pressed. “Are you really fine?” “Yes.”

“Are you happy?”

Silence.

Then came the torrent. The waves. The overwhelming story.

“I hate my aunt. She tried to take me away again.”

I just nodded.

“I live with my grandmother. Last Friday my aunt came to the house when my grandmother was at the job and she tried to take me away. I ran away and hid in the game park all day until I knew she was gone.”

I just nodded. And the story kept going.

“I used to live with my aunt after my mother died. She would abuse me. One time she hit me so hard she broke the broom stick.”

My eyes have now started burning.

“She would take me to the witch. The witch would tell her to beat me. And so she did. Do you see my scars here?”

She pointed to her legs. Big ugly scars. I nodded that yes, I saw them.

“My aunt did this. I have many more on my back. Twenty one in total.”

It is getting to be too much for me to hear. My girl, telling me her story so calmly. And yet not calmly as I see the fear in her eyes and the tenseness in her body.

“I think my aunt killed my mother.”

I repeated this sentence back to her, not sure I heard right.

She told me the story of the day her mother died…and in her eyes and in her remembrance, she is sure that it was her aunt who killed her mother.

“I remember that day.” she says. “I hate my aunt for what she has done to me.”

I reach for the tissue as my tears have no choice but to fall. And still my girl keeps talking.

“I am fearful. I don’t know what my aunt will do to me. I don’t know if and when she will come back to try to take me away from my grandmother.”

“One time she tried to make me be a prostitute, you know. But I bit her arm to get away and then I ran.”

I tell her that I am glad she ran away.

She looks at me, as if aware for the first time that I am there. So lost in her own memories.

“I should be in Form 1, you know. *(form 1 is like grade 9). But I am in class 6. After my mother died, my aunt kept taking me out of school and so I kept having to repeat the years. Some days I did not even go to school. I should be in Form 1.”

I hear the frustration and pain in her voice. She sounds like a small child. Hurt. Sad. Alone.

“My grandmother is old. I don’t know if she will die soon. And then I will have no place to go. I will have nobody to look after me. I don’t know what I will do.”

At this point I feel helpless to know how to help my girl. I tell her I love her. She looks at me, and says “Me too.”

I try to encourage her, but my words seem so trite. So useless in the face of her fear and suffering. We talk for a few minutes and I see a smile on her face.

“Let’s go now.” she says. She is done talking.

I wipe my tears and reach for her. She comes willingly and lets me hold her. I repeated my earlier words.

“I love you my girl.”
“I love you too.”

And she calls me “Mommy”.

We walk down the steps of the clinic, and to the field where we run around and act silly and twirl like little girls. Her walls have come back up and she has pushed the vulnerability back inside. And it’s okay. Because she knows that I know. And she knows that I care.

Another story. Another child. Another life lived in fear and pain. Another reason to pray and plead with our Father in Heaven to help these dear ones. Another opportunity to trust in His goodness.

Because we KNOW He is good. Sometimes, though, when we see pain like this, when we see lives being torn apart, when we see people that we love who are hurting, our hearts just don’t quite believe it. And we just have to trust that we KNOW that He is good and ask Him to help our hearts believe it too. Because it is true. He is GOOD.

Some would say that You can not be found
And some would say that You are far away
But I know You’re the God who lives in me
And I know You will always have my heart

‘Cause You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
You are good

You are the only one
You are the one that I desire
You are the only one my King.
You are the only one
You are the one that I desire
You are the only one my King
{Jeff Deyo}

“For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.”
Psalm 100:5