Searching for His Goodness

“I think she killed my mother,” she said to me.

Although the conversation didn't start there..

We were hanging out one afternoon in the clinic in the slum. She was troubled. I knew just by looking at her. I asked her how she was, and she answered, “Fine.” I knew she wasn’t fine, so I pressed. “Are you really fine?” “Yes.”

“Are you happy?”

Silence.

Then came the torrent. The waves. The overwhelming story.

“I hate my aunt. She tried to take me away again.”

I just nodded.

“I live with my grandmother. Last Friday my aunt came to the house when my grandmother was at the job and she tried to take me away. I ran away and hid in the game park all day until I knew she was gone.”

I just nodded. And the story kept going.

“I used to live with my aunt after my mother died. She would abuse me. One time she hit me so hard she broke the broom stick.”

My eyes have now started burning.

“She would take me to the witch. The witch would tell her to beat me. And so she did. Do you see my scars here?”

She pointed to her legs. Big ugly scars. I nodded that yes, I saw them.

“My aunt did this. I have many more on my back. Twenty one in total.”

It is getting to be too much for me to hear. My girl, telling me her story so calmly. And yet not calmly as I see the fear in her eyes and the tenseness in her body.

“I think my aunt killed my mother.”

I repeated this sentence back to her, not sure I heard right.

She told me the story of the day her mother died…and in her eyes and in her remembrance, she is sure that it was her aunt who killed her mother.

“I remember that day.” she says. “I hate my aunt for what she has done to me.”

I reach for the tissue as my tears have no choice but to fall. And still my girl keeps talking.

“I am fearful. I don’t know what my aunt will do to me. I don’t know if and when she will come back to try to take me away from my grandmother.”

“One time she tried to make me be a prostitute, you know. But I bit her arm to get away and then I ran.”

I tell her that I am glad she ran away.

She looks at me, as if aware for the first time that I am there. So lost in her own memories.

“I should be in Form 1, you know. *(form 1 is like grade 9). But I am in class 6. After my mother died, my aunt kept taking me out of school and so I kept having to repeat the years. Some days I did not even go to school. I should be in Form 1.”

I hear the frustration and pain in her voice. She sounds like a small child. Hurt. Sad. Alone.

“My grandmother is old. I don’t know if she will die soon. And then I will have no place to go. I will have nobody to look after me. I don’t know what I will do.”

At this point I feel helpless to know how to help my girl. I tell her I love her. She looks at me, and says “Me too.”

I try to encourage her, but my words seem so trite. So useless in the face of her fear and suffering. We talk for a few minutes and I see a smile on her face.

“Let’s go now.” she says. She is done talking.

I wipe my tears and reach for her. She comes willingly and lets me hold her. I repeated my earlier words.

“I love you my girl.”
“I love you too.”

And she calls me “Mommy”.

We walk down the steps of the clinic, and to the field where we run around and act silly and twirl like little girls. Her walls have come back up and she has pushed the vulnerability back inside. And it’s okay. Because she knows that I know. And she knows that I care.

Another story. Another child. Another life lived in fear and pain. Another reason to pray and plead with our Father in Heaven to help these dear ones. Another opportunity to trust in His goodness.

Because we KNOW He is good. Sometimes, though, when we see pain like this, when we see lives being torn apart, when we see people that we love who are hurting, our hearts just don’t quite believe it. And we just have to trust that we KNOW that He is good and ask Him to help our hearts believe it too. Because it is true. He is GOOD.

Some would say that You can not be found
And some would say that You are far away
But I know You’re the God who lives in me
And I know You will always have my heart

‘Cause You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
And Your love endures forever
You are good
You are good

You are the only one
You are the one that I desire
You are the only one my King.
You are the only one
You are the one that I desire
You are the only one my King
{Jeff Deyo}

“For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.”
Psalm 100:5

Willing Hearts

Often it starts by being willing.

That’s what we’ve come to see as true anyway. It’s when we are willing to step out. Out of our comfort zone. Out of our “world”. Out of what is easy. That’s when the biggest blessings are found.

Sunday was a baptism service in Mitumba. The week prior was a difficult one for us, with attending two memorial services and dealing with the grief that comes along with that. These kinds of times are emotionally draining, as we all know. We were looking forward to having a quiet Sunday…going to our Church here, which we love, and then spending the rest of the day at home, or walking, or whatever, but just being together and not having to give of ourselves at all. One of our youth, Rueben (who also works at the TAM shop with Trevor), came to the memorial service for Ryan Williams with us on Saturday morning. It was there that he mentioned that he would really like it if we came to Mitumba for Church the following day.

My first instinct was to say, “Thanks for the invitation, but no thanks. I know what kind of a day that will be, and I just don’t feel like it.”

But…..Trevor and I talked about it, and while we were both feeling that way, we also both felt like we needed to go to Mitumba. So…(reluctantly, I must admit) we said yes.

Rueben’s smile as we parked our car at the slum on Sunday morning did it for me. His face was completely lit up, and his eyes were happy. Really, really happy. He hurried to the car, and immediately gave us hugs and said “You came!!” Yes Rueben, we came. I felt guilt at my bad attitude the day before, and felt truly thankful that we decided to come.

It had only been a week since we saw our youth, but it felt like so much longer! Hugs were given all around, genuine smiles on all our faces…it felt like we were home. Home with our youth that we love so much. Aahhh…we came. And my heart felt happy.

We were asked to be “spiritual parents” for some of the youth. This means that at the baptism, we hold their towels for them, help them out of the water, and carry their things for them. In the long run, it means that we commit to be there for them, to follow up with them their decision made to follow Christ, and be a mentor to them. It is an honour to be asked.

Trevor was asked to be Derek’s spiritual father, and I was asked to be spiritual mother to three girls : Alice, Jane G. and Jane N. It was so great to be so directly involved in this special day (something we were not expecting).

Trevor and Derek

My "daughters" and I: Alice Barongo, Jane Gathoni and Jane Ndinda

The actual baptism service was like something out of a movie played in fast-forward! It was so quick, unorganized, people everywhere, and included me running around like a chicken with her head cut off! Let me explain!! =)

We were waiting in the Pastor’s office with all the baptism candidates. We didn’t know the order of who was first, second, and so on, and there were people everywhere. And it was loud! So we would wait until all of a sudden we would hear “Andrea!! Alice is next! She’s already out there! You have to go!” So I would push my way through the crowd of scared candidates who were terrified at the thought of getting dunked in the C-O-L-D water, give hugs where necessary, all while trying to get through with Alice’s towel so I could be ready for when she needed me. I got there, helped her dry off somewhat, hurriedly walked with her to the classroom where she could change, and then rushed back to the office, where I heard again “Andrea!! Jane Ndinda is out there! Hurry!!” So, I followed the same process all over again…rushed out to the baptism pool, helped her dry off, hurried to the classroom, and then back to the office…where, you guessed it, a third shouting of “Hurry up Andrea!!” By this time I’m a little stressed, and by my third round out of the Church with the third girl, the teachers are laughing at me, as it seems that all I’m doing is running laps from the office to the Church to the classroom and back again! Good times! After my three girls were through, I was able to help all the girls who were getting changed by getting their things them, getting water so they could wash their feet, and so on. I missed most of the actual baptism, but was thankful to be able to help the girls in these ways.

Trevor was able to relax a little more as he only had Derek to help. There were less boys getting baptized and so each “father” got only one boy. He was able to spend more time just being there instead of rushing around.

Both of us felt truly blessed in the roles we got to play in being there for our youth. God is so good.

The congregation watching the baptism!! =)

After the baptism part of the service was over, we sat through a graduation for six adults who have gone through a Bible study and faithfully completed the requirements of the ten week course. From there we listened to the message, and then participated in Communion.
I should mention that we were sitting in the front, with the preacher shouting into the mic directly in front of us, and the speakers turned up on high volume directly behind us. Needless to say the service felt long and we left with pounding headaches! Oh well, it was okay. We didn’t get out of Church until close to 4 pm (so the service felt long for good reason!!)…where we were then treated to sodas and cake from the Bible study graduates. From there we were given a big lunch of ugali and stew and interesting conversation with the Pastors.

The last thing on the list of events for the day was to spend some time in Mama Kamau’s house. Mama Kamau is the mother of one of our youth, Kamau. She asked if we could come to her house to pray with her family, and celebrate Kamau’s recovery from his circumcision surgery. This was one of my favourite parts of the day. I love being able to walk through the slum, greet the women, hug the children, smile at curious neighbours who are wondering why we are there, and just continually learn more about slum life. I always wonder why we enjoy being there so much. It is a dirty place. It is a smelly place. It is a depressing place. And yet, when we are there, we are so content. We love the people of Mitumba so much. We love spending time with them. We especially love being invited into their humble homes made of iron sheets and being able to just be there with them.

We spent some time encouraging them, praying with them and accepting the sodas that they had for us to drink. It was a sweet time of fellowship. Mama Kamau was one of the ladies who just graduated from the Bible Study course, and I am looking forward to see the spiritual growth in her life, and the transformation of her family.

Mama Kamau, Kamau and I

The sun was beginning it’s descent as we left Mama Kamau’s home and made our way back to the Church. We leave feeling thankful that we decided to come to Mitumba for the day. We are thankful that we were willing. We are thankful for the public commitments made to Christ, and for the growth that is happening in this small Church in this small slum. We are thankful that God is continually teaching us more and more and allowing us these amazing opportunities. We are thankful.

Birthday Party!

On August 1st we had the privilege of being invited to Steven’s (one of the men who works in the TAM shop with Trevor) daughter’s birthday party! Her name is Pauline, and she just turned 2 years old.

It was a really full day for us…we went to Mitumba in the morning for our youth Bible study, had to leave there early much to the chagrin of the youth, went to buy a birthday present for Pauline, then went to meet Steven at the matatu stop so he could show us the way to his house. We realized once we started driving down narrow, rough roads that we never would have found it on our own!

Steven and his brother got into our car, and the first thing he said when asked how he was, was, “I’m good. Well not so good, but good.” We weren’t sure what he meant, but then he pointed to his face. The whole right side of his face was bruised, cut up and swollen. He told us that he had gotten beat up on his way home the night before…a group of thieves jumped him and managed to steal his money and flashlight, but Steven fought them off to keep his leatherman tool. Just another reminder of where we live, and the dangers faced by people here everyday. Sobering.

It was wonderful to meet Marcy, Steven’s wife, and also Steven’s mother and sister, along with some nieces and nephews. We spent time visiting, and eating so much food that they had prepared. Being the honoured guests in a Kenyan home will always leave you feeling so incredibly welcomed and unworthy of all the special attention, and will also leave your stomach very, very satisfied!! =)

Pauline was so scared of us, and felt very overwhelmed with all the attention lavished on her! She kept a very close eye on us, and would peek at us from the safety of her mother’s arms. We hope that the next time we see her, she’ll maybe remember us a little and not be so terrified of our white skin!

Marcy helping Pauline blow out the candles.

One thing that really struck me was listening to Steven’s mother pray before we ate our meal. Her voice broke as she thanked God for the food, and prayed for all those who do not have food in this country…the most heartfelt thanks for food that I have possibly ever experienced. A lesson for me to be so much more thankful for the blessing of food, something that I so often just take for granted.

Steven's mom outside of the house.

August 1st also marked the day of the AIM AIR crash. We first heard about it at Steven’s house, but didn’t realize that it was one of our planes until later on that evening.

Like I said, August 1st was a really full day…not just in events but emotionally as well.

As we left Steven and Marcy’s house, Marcy gave me a hug and said “Please come again when we can spend more time together. Please. You are welcome anytime.”

Here in Kenya, friends are not hard to find. It’s just a matter of stepping out of your comfort zone a little and accepting invitations like this one. You are guaranteed to leave feeling like you made a life-long friend. What a privilege.

“And I think that’s what our world is desperately in need of - lovers. People who are building deep, genuine relationships with fellow strugglers along the way and who actually know the faces of the people behind the issues they are concerned with.”
{Shane Claiborne}

Scars

“To be alive at all is to have scars.”
{John Steinbeck}

Scars.

They come from wounds. Wounds that hurt. Wounds that bleed.

Scars.

Heal. Fade over time. But stay as remembrance of the hurt.

Scars.

Tell a story. Show that you have not stayed in your safe bubble. But you have lived.

To be alive at all is to have scars.

I feel as though this year has left our hearts covered in scars. We have been wounded. We have been hurt. But thankfully the wounds don’t stay fresh and bleeding. They heal. They turn into scars. And it is through these times that we can look at our scars and see how God used those times of hurt and pain to change us. They serve as a remembrance of God’s greatness. Of Him revealing Himself through those times of darkness.

We would not trade this year in Kenya for anything. We would not trade the difficult days for easier ones. We would not change it even if we had the chance. We are alive. We have lived. We have scars. We have wounds that we know will heal and will fade with time. God is not finished with us yet.

Please continue to keep us and the AIM family in your prayers. We attended the memorial service for Frank Toews on Tuesday afternoon. It was the most beautiful memorial service and celebration of a life well lived, and a tribute to a man who served the Lord with all his heart. What a blessing it was for us to be there. It was such a God-honouring service. Tiffany and her kids need your prayers as they face the days ahead and make a lot of decisions. Their wounds are still fresh.

We have another memorial service to attend. We will remember Ryan’s life and his service to the Lord on Saturday. Continue to keep Dawn and her four kids in your prayers. God has already been working in their lives in amazing ways, and given them divine peace that we know can only come from Him.

I know this blog has been heavy lately. But it is a reflection of our past few months. Life has felt heavy. Sometimes it feels like it is too much. God is working in our hearts through it all, though, and is continually doing great things.

All we have to do is look at the scars we have accumulated throughout this past year to know that God is in the business of changing lives and is showing us how to live. Truly live. To live, and to hurt, and to bleed, and to heal. And through it all being able to see our great God at work.

Thank You Lord for our scars.

I'll Be Found In YOU...

It is with great sadness and confusion that I bring you some more news.

Ryan Williams, the AIM AIR mechanic who was also on that airplane that crashed, has gone Home. Home to Heaven. He was suffering from severe burns and internal injuries, and had been medi-vaced to Johannesburg, South Africa on Wednesday to a burn unit there. Upon assessing him there, they realized that his injuries were more severe than originally hoped.

This morning we got a text message just saying “Pray for Ryan now!”. And then this afternoon we got the news that he had passed away.

It’s too much. It’s all too much. To think about these two amazing families, doing so much and serving the Lord, now having to deal with this, and having to live the rest of their lives without a husband and a father…to know that God could have saved both Frank and Ryan, and yet didn’t…to not be able to understand the purpose behind all of this…it’s just too much.

Serving the Lord comes with a price. We all know this. All of us have had to pay one price or another…for some it may be getting ridiculed, for some it may be changing friends, for some it may be moving away, for some it may be leaving family…and then for some it is paying the ultimate price here on earth. We do not grieve for Ryan and for Frank. We know where they are. We know that Heaven is our home, and not this earth. We know that they are happy and whole.

They are with their Maker!

They are with JESUS!

They are HOME!!!

We know this. And yet we grieve with those who are left behind. We grieve for Dawn (Ryan’s wife) and for Tiffany (Frank’s wife). We grieve for the loss of their dreams. We grieve for the loss of their lives as complete families. We are so sad with them.

Pray for Dawn Williams, and her kids, Caleb, Levi, Seth and Chloe.

Pray for Tiffany Toews, and her kids, Aline, Tabitha, Teagan and Lowen.

Pray for the AIM family.

Please pray. It’s going to be a long, long road.

Walking, stumbling, on these shadow feet.
Toward home, a land that I’ve never seen.
I am changing, less and less asleep.
Made of different stuff than when I began.
And I have sensed it all along.
Fast approaching is the day…

When the world has fallen out from under me
I’ll be found in You, still standing.
When the sky rolls back and the mountains fall on their knees.
When time and space are through, I’ll be found in You.

There’s distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it’s easier to stay
But I’ve heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new

When the world has fallen out from under me
I’ll be found in You, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I’ll be found in You
{brooke fraser}

Frank and Ryan...see you guys on the other side. We’ll miss you.

With Heavy Hearts...

The AIM family is grieving right now. On Saturday, August 1, at approximately 2:30 pm Nairobi time, a Cessna 206 owned by AIM AIR crashed into some apartment buildings here in Nairobi. On board were the pilot, an AIM missionary, a mechanic, also an AIM missionary, and two passengers who were on board to film Kibera slum.

The pilot, Frank Toews, did not survive the crash and went home to be with the Lord. The mechanic, Ryan Williams, is in the hospital with severe injuries including burns, a broken hip, crushed pelvis, and other fractures. One of the photojournalists is also in the hospital, and the other one was able to get out of the plane in time and only had a few cuts and scrapes.

These families need your prayers. We don’t know the cause of the crash and won’t even begin to speculate and would ask you to do the same. What we know is that we need to pray for the Toews family…Frank left behind his wife and four young children, and also for the Williams family…Ryan has a very long road of recovery ahead of him…pray for his healing, as well as for his wife and four children as they deal with this difficult time.

Please also pray for the photojournalists that were on the flight. Pray for God’s will to be done in their lives and for God to work in their hearts.

We don’t understand why something like this had to happen, but we rest in the fact that God is in control. We know that God is good. And we know that God hears our prayers. So please pray.

If you want to see news footage, you can go online and check out “airplane crash Nairobi”.

Valleys of Sorrow

We received some devastating news yesterday.

I was teaching the Bible class for the older grades in Mitumba yesterday when I noticed that I had received a text message. When i was finished teaching, I opened the message to read it. It was from Elly. He works on our compound, and we have gotten to know him and his wife, Violet, and their two boys, Wesley and Timothy over the past months. His message just said, "HI MY WIFE IS DEAD".

Violet has died. We can hardly believe it. She has been so sick for many months, but the last time we saw her she was regaining her strength and seemed to be on the road to a full recovery. Then a few weeks ago Elly sent a message saying that she was sick again and to please pray for her.
And now she has died.

We are so sad for this family. Our hearts are breaking for Elly, and for his two young boys. We cannot even begin to imagine the pain they are going through and the struggles they are facing. We want to do everything we can, but it seems like nothing will be enough. We cannot bring Violet back. But what we can do is pray. And we can ask you to pray. So please, please, overwhelm Heaven with prayers for this young family. They need it.


There was a song playing in my head all day yesterday as I spent time alone in the clinic, processing the news. God used it to speak to me, and to give me hope and assurance of His love:

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
All my back bruised and nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that is yours

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
(Jars of Clay)

May Elly experience rivers of joy after being led through this valley of sorrow by our mighty God. May he know that our God is in control, and that He has NOT forgotten about him and his sons. May he have full assurance that God is able to calm these waters and tear down these mountains. May he feel God's comfort, His presence, and His never-ending love. May he find peace in the midst of this valley of sorrow.

"The LORD is faithful to all His promises

and loving toward all He has made.
The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to You,
and You give them their food at the proper time.
You open Your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all His ways
and loving toward all He has made.
The LORD is near to all who call on Him,
to all who call on Him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him;
He hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD watches over all who love Him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.
My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise His holy name
for ever and ever."

Psalm 145:13-21